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Why Your Crew Sucks 2022: Baltimore Ravens

Some persons are followers of the Baltimore Ravens. However many, many extra persons are NOT followers of the Baltimore Ravens. This 2022 Defector NFL crew preview is for these within the latter group. Learn all of the previews up to now here.

Your crew: Baltimore Ravens.

Your 2021 document: 8-9. The Ravens began final season 8-3 and have been locked in as a favourite to win the AFC. They by no means received one other recreation after that. They have been swept by the Bengals by a mixed rating of 82-38. They misplaced not one, however two video games after making an attempt a game-winning two-point conversion on the gun and failing. It’s nearly as if God prefers Phil Simms to be proper about every part, and that bothers me.

The Ravens have been additionally swept by the Steelers. The truth is, their second loss to Pittsburgh got here within the ultimate week, when Baltimore was nonetheless, miraculously, in playoff competition. Probably the most unlikely outdoors outcome they wanted to again their method in—Jacksonville beating Indianapolis on the street—truly occurred. All they needed to do was put away a Steelers crew that was useless within the water and hope the Chargers misplaced. As an alternative, the Chargers received and the Ravens misplaced at house in extra time anyway, giving Ben Roethlisberger a feel-good sendoff that nobody on earth wished for him. Their protection fell from seventh in yardage allowed in 2020 all the best way all the way down to twenty fifth, costing the defensive coordinator his job. Solely eight groups final season had fewer sacks. They blew a lead on the gun to a Rams crew that had turned the ball over thrice. They recovered an onside kick—their first onside kick restoration since 2001—in opposition to the Browns and did nothing with it. These Ravens, fittingly, have been the Browns in disguise.

It didn’t assist that everybody on the roster died. The Ravens’ beginning quarterback missed one recreation because of an undisclosed and possibly rectal illness, after which he missed the ultimate 4 video games of the season as effectively. The remainder of the beginning lineup fared no higher. Just one different team lost more players to injury final 12 months than Baltimore, and that was the Giants, who don’t depend. To that finish, Football Outsiders says that no different crew this century had extra Adjusted Video games Misplaced than the 2021 Ravens. Maybe they borrowed Dan Snyder’s coaching employees or one thing.

However [high school coach voice] accidents are simply excuses. Even earlier than The Collapse, the Ravens nonetheless wanted the longest kick in league historical past to beat the Lions on the gun, and they misplaced to the Raiders again when Jon Gruden was nonetheless alive. That six-game dropping streak to shut out 2021 wasn’t unhealthy luck. It was what this crew had been all alongside. Good.

Your coach: John Harbaugh, who simply signed a fats contract extension and, like Sean Payton, will dine out on his lone Tremendous Bowl win for the rest of his profession. Secretly, I like John Harbaugh. Even earlier than Sean McVay turned a factor, John Harbaugh had already created the template for the way each trendy NFL coach must do their job. I additionally know if I discovered the entire issues that John Harbaugh believes concerning the correct ordering of society, I might need him remanded to a supermax facility. I might additionally see Harbs being the type of coach who, on the primary day of camp, factors to his Mercedes out within the car parking zone and says to his gamers, I’ll personally break your face when you guys contact any of my shit.

Your new defensive coordinator is Michael Macdonald (no, not that one), who arrives from Michigan in a case of secondhand nepotism.

Your quarterback: Lamar Jackson, who won’t ever be totally wholesome once more. And never simply because he has a case of infinite diarrhea, or as a result of he has sufficient COVID-19 circulating by means of his system to kill a grizzly bear. For 4 years, Harbaugh and the Ravens used Lamar precisely the best way they need to have, however now the invoice has come due. You don’t must be an anonymous, racist defensive coordinator to know that having your QB run for 1,000 yards yearly will go from blessing to curse in a moderately quick timeframe. It’s occurred with different quarterbacks, and it’s occurring once more now. You could have seen the perfect of Lamar Jackson, and you’ll mourn his decline the very same method you mourned the lack of Bo Jackson. Going ahead, Lamar’s legacy will exist in video video games and nowhere else.

Which is probably why the Ravens are presently in the midst of a contract dispute with their very own QB, whose deal comes up on the finish of 2022. This crew fucked itself by handing Joe Flacco a mint after his Tremendous Bowl MVP season, so that they know the lay of the land. They know that they will’t let Lamar stroll, however in addition they know that signing him to a roster-crippling deal will doom them to presentable adequacy for the subsequent half-decade. Compounding the issue is that Lamar serves as his own agent, becoming a member of the likes of Ricky Williams and Russell Okung in proving that skilled NFL brokers are literally invaluable folks to have in your make use of. WHO KNEW?

Jackson selected to symbolize himself with the assistance of a number of trusted advisors. Chief amongst them is his mom Felicia Jones, who’s listed as his agent with the NFLPA. 

I’m positive this’ll finish effectively for all events concerned. It’s not usually you get the chance to fireside your personal mom.

What’s new that sucks: This counted as a busy offseason for the Ravens, who usually indulge within the kind of continuity that makes the Steelers such an everlasting bore. Not this time. This spring, the Ravens traded wideout Marquise Brown to the Cardinals for a first-round choose (good thought) after which changed him with nobody in any respect (unhealthy thought). Flush with each cash and picks, they went hog wild at security as a substitute. With their very own first-rounder, they drafted Kyle Hamilton out of Notre Dame. Permit me now to cherrypick a single unhealthy preseason spotlight of Hamilton and use it to concoct an all-encompassing criticism of him.

Bust. The Ravens additionally poached Marcus Williams away from New Orleans. Hey now, why do I do not forget that title? OH RIGHT!

I needed to do it. Elsewhere, the Ravens introduced in Kyle Fuller from Denver to man the nook reverse Marlon Humphrey, who hates babies. In addition they introduced again Michael Pierce after Pierce did nothing of import in two seasons with the Vikings. They drafted Iowa heart Tyler Linderbaum with their choose from Arizona and can watch him tear ligaments that no physician has ever heard of, not to mention seen broken. The truth is, the Ravens minimize out the intermediary altogether in Spherical 2 and drafted David Ojabo out of Michigan, who tore his Achilles simply 5 months in the past. He’ll be able to play by midseason on the earliest. Their punter retired. One in all their different safeties found that eyeglasses enable you to see better. Brian Regan approves.

They nonetheless haven’t misplaced a preseason recreation since 2015, which completely issues.

What has all the time sucked: I’ve no use for Baltimoreans and their needy-ass bullshit. They dwell within the Oklahoma Metropolis of the East Coast, and also you higher imagine they act prefer it. The racism. The garish Zubaz. The shitty meals they assume is sweet. The petty grievances. The demand that you simply take note of them when there’s nothing about them value listening to. The NFL is a treasure trove of damning indictments in opposition to itself, however chief amongst them is that its best-run groups are all the time coupled to fanbases that deserve the exact reverse. You folks deserve 30 years of chasing the dragon that was Lamar’s MVP season. You should have all your public officers get indicted as a matter of native custom. You should be not noted of any dialog of significant Northeast Hall cities. You deserve the Inside Harbor, which makes Disneyland seem like essentially the most genuine place on fucking Earth (“DURR THAT’S NOT THE REAL BALLMER AND EVERY LOCAL KNOWS IT” you inform me as you drive a pickup with 60 Blue Lives Matter decals on the rear windshield). You deserve Ray Lewis as your commonplace bearer. And also you should spend the remainder of your lives pining for the times when your sports activities groups mattered, the identical method that DC—a much better place—does. Fuck you, fuck your households, and fuck Larry Hogan with a freeway divider.

The Ravens by no means have any good wideouts. Their backs are all the time damage. Their greatest participant is their kicker. Irrespective of how exhausting the Ravens attempt to stop it from occurring, someway Pittsburgh will nonetheless dominate this fucking division for the subsequent century. David Simon tried to make a much less pro-cop model of The Wire this 12 months and it’s not excellent.

Ratto says: Lamar Jackson will receives a commission as a result of Steve Bisciotti tipped his hand by saying, “With no QB you imagine in, life sucks as an NFL proprietor.” It’s a lie, in fact, as a result of proudly owning an NFL franchise is principally like skinny-dipping as Scrooge McDuck, however Bisciotti not less than acknowledges the chance that having a quarterback who isn’t post-Tremendous Bowl Joe Flacco is a refreshing factor.

However he additionally mentioned of Deshaun Watson: “I don’t know that he ought to’ve been the primary man to get a totally assured contract.” He simply made it more durable to signal Jackson for lower than $60M/12 months, however clearly, he doesn’t need his day to suck. Poor him.

What may not suck: While you begin Mark Andrews in DFS, it’s by no means a foul choice.



Lamar’s Instagram story alternates between video of himself driving 100mph and posts about porridge.


In 2020, the Ravens head of Energy and Conditioning broke COVID protocols and bought half the crew sick earlier than the Steelers recreation. He saved his job. Then in 2021, we had a complete crew of torn ligaments and damaged bones. He nonetheless saved his job.


So many gamers bought damage that we began some chilly Royal Farms hen at working again and a bag of Utz Crab Chips at cornerback. We lastly have the chance to ascertain extended dominance over the repulsive Steelers, however our QB is destined to signal a bazillion greenback cope with Miami and journey a four-wheeler into the sundown.

Ray Lewis is a fucking weirdo and I by no means preferred him that a lot.


The Ravens have been down by one and obtained the ball on the 25 with 1:04 left within the recreation. On first down, Lamar is sacked for a 3 yard loss. On second down, he throws an incomplete move over the center. On third down, Lamar is sacked once more for a six yard loss. On 4th-and-19 with 26 seconds left, the refs miss an apparent delay of recreation and Lamar completes a miracle move for 36 yards to the opposing 48-yard line. After a spike and one other incomplete move, the Ravens name on Justin Tucker to attain kicking immortality, blasting an NFL document 66-yard area objective as time expires to ship the win. 

All of this was wanted to beat the Detroit fucking Lions. 


The followers nonetheless assume Artwork Modell belongs within the Corridor of Fame, regardless that he did precisely to Cleveland what they hate Bob Irsay for doing to Baltimore. In addition they ignore the truth that Modell couldn’t have cared much less about Baltimore and would have moved the Browns to no matter metropolis ponied up essentially the most cash.

The followers who went loopy for an in-stadium tribute to Michael Okay. Williams the week after he died nonetheless dwell in mortal terror of 14-year-old children washing their windshields as they drive into Baltimore eight Sundays a 12 months.


We removed the coordinator who didn’t understand offenses aren’t confused by the “are we going to blitz or not?” tactic when you blitz each time. We saved the coordinator who can’t determine why three receivers find yourself in the identical spot once you inform them simply discover some open area.


This picture is definitely from 2017 (I saved forgetting to ship it in on time).


Fuck the silly gothic imagery bullshit they’re all the time attempting to tug off. Fuck that silly 14th century-ass font, and their silly castle-looking observe facility in Owings Mills. 

Absolutely the gall of pretending to have any class when the common fan is a few Dundalk MAGA turd carrying purple Zubaz pants who nonetheless thinks Flacco was elite, and who dislikes our solely generational expertise since a assassin. There are in all probability extra Todd Heap jerseys at that stadium each Sunday than Lamar Jackson for causes that might change into instantly clear inside the first 30 seconds of speaking to the proprietor of mentioned Heap jersey. 

Fuck that one time we wore yellow pants. That shit sucked ass. 

Additionally fuck each single time the TV broadcast mentions Justin Tucker being an opera singer as he trots out to hit a 70-yard area objective in white pants that present his dick define ever so completely. We get it: Justin Tucker fucks. 


Half the fanbase defends Lamar like he’s their very own son, the opposite half lengthy for the times of Joe Flacco and overthrown fade routes into the top zone. The 2 statues we’ve outdoors our stadium are of a man who by no means performed there and of a man who nonetheless exhibits up and infrequently dances in entrance of the one crowd that received’t point out his earlier authorized entanglements. By some means purple camo remains to be a factor. 


Our greatest, most constant move play during the last 20 years was Joe Flacco overthrowing Torrey Smith however someway we get a move interference name.


To say that accidents had an element in derailing the Ravens season final 12 months is like saying Tom Cruise had an element in High Gun Maverick. I took snaps within the secondary in opposition to the Bengals in Week 16, which might clarify why your son Joe Burrow threw for 525 passing yards that day.

Additionally, the Ravens removed their greatest receiver (which isn’t saying a lot) and the entrance workplace is totally mystified as to why Lamar Jackson received’t signal a long-term contract extension.


Each time a marquee huge receiver joins a brand new crew (Hopkins, and so forth.), you possibly can assure a quiet information report months later that the Ravens tried and fail to persuade them to hitch. We’ve by no means efficiently developed a single huge receiver we’ve drafted, and we are able to’t entice a free agent WR underneath 30 (or, in Sammy Watkins’ case, with a physique age underneath 30).


Our lone divisional win in opposition to the Browns was a courtesy. We let Pittsburgh sweep us and allowed that Roethlisberger a storybook ending to a daily season. The Bengals killed us as a result of they have been truly fucking good and half of our crew was useless. Joe Burrow set information in opposition to us. I give him a couple of years earlier than he turns into as cocky as Rodgers and with simply as a lot of a justified conceitedness in opposition to us as Rodgers has in opposition to the Bears. We are actually the non secular Bears of the AFC North.

Each play is an RPO to Andrews. Our receiving corps are a bunch of heat our bodies. Jim is ostensibly cooler than John at this level, and that takes effort as they’re each simply sentient khakis. Greg Roman has the playmaking abilities of moist toast. 

I’ve been studying and writing to WYTS for years now at this level, going from a dead-end job and thru despair and a breakup to being in grad college, about to graduate subsequent 12 months. Even considering the horrifying quantity of debt and psychological sickness I’m residing with, I’m proud to say I’ve extra of an upward trajectory than the Ravens. I fucking hate this crew. I’ll nonetheless watch each recreation.

Submissions for the Defector NFL previews are closed. Subsequent up: Miami Dolphins.

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